Jason: Can I get out today`s Mellowmas entry with a long-distance dedication?
Jeff: Oooh, is this Mellowmas for lovers only?
Jason: Oh, hell no. I`d wish to dedicate today`s track to Jeff Vrabel who, as far as I know, doesn`t take any of this shit.
Jeff: Uh oh.
Jason: I mean, maybe he does.
But he doesn`t comment or retweet it, even though we broke our asses retweeting whatever he writes about Bruce Springsteen. But I do acknowledge he hates today`s track. Without even hearing it, I acknowledge he hates it.
Jeff: Shit! I was afraid I knew where this was going.
Jason: Yup! It`s a report of the call that needs no cover, ever: "Wonderful Christmastime"!
Jeff: You say "Mellowmas" and "Jeff Vrabel," and I hear "Wonderful Christmastime." AND NOW I WON`T See ANYTHING ELSE FOR THE Relief OF THE DAY. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuugh.
Jason: I suppose you`ve just told me, but refresh my memory: do you hate "Wonderful Christmastime"?
Jeff: I don`t hate it like Vrabel hates it, but I`d sooner not heed to it, ever.
Jason: See, I like "Wonderful Christmastime." Granted, I accept many well-documented issues, but I wish it.
Jeff: It`s hardly so dumb. And such an earworm. See, it`s already looping through my brain, and we haven`t yet started yet.
Jason: It`s both of those things, yes.
Jeff: GET OUT OF MY BRAIN McCARTNEY
Jason: But I too believe it`s got great synthesizer, and you can`t deny it`s a really unique Christmas song. There`s not another song out there that sounds like it.
Jeff: For which I`m grateful.
Jason: You and many people, I`m sure. I love about of them. And I hold that one edition is enough. Even more than "Last Christmas," I believe this song never needs a cover. And yet, here we are, with a report of "Wonderful Christmastime" by Kelly Rowland.
Jeff: A vocalist who never needs to show a solo call meets a song that never needs another cover!
Jason: Exactly!
Jeff: Kelly Rowland: the Rosalind Ashford of modern R&B.
Jason: And do you recognize how I found this song?
Jeff: By lurking in the coldest corners of Jeff Vrabel`s nightmares?
Jason: YOU SENT IT TO ME.
Jeff: I_wait, what?
Jason: _and only wish that, every evil eye glaring at me turned over to you.
Jeff: You must be mistaken.
Jason: You sent me NOW (That`s What I Call Christmas), Vol. 4.
Jeff: I sort of remember this. It has some newly recorded tracks, doesn`t it?
Jason: It`s a bit of both. And I was thankful for the gift, because not alone was I able to exchange some of my poor recordings of Christmas classics with these higher-fidelity versions, but I was capable to send shit like this right support to you.
Jeff: sigh A Mellowmas Miracle.
Jason: You`re welcome. So the head is: can Kelly change my head about "Wonderful Christmastime" covers? Can it take you modify your mind altogether?
Jeff: THAT`S the question?
Jason: Can it drive Jeff Vrabel to make himself off a cliff? I guess it can, at the very least, accomplish one of these.
Jeff: Those are pretty tall orders. I`m not surely a Kelly Rowland song has always inspired anyone to do anything.
Jason: _go backwards and mind to old Destiny`s Child records?
Jeff: Maybe it`ll inspire McCartney to govern his publisher to automatically reject any further requests to address this song.
Jason: See? So some good COULD get out of this! Remember: at the end of the day, we both require the like thing.
Jeff: The climate is good and the spirit`s up, I suppose.
Jason: Go!
Jeff: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhh. Oh no.
Jason: Wow! Just when you thought synthesizers couldn`t get any worse!
Jeff: Why does she sound whiter than McCartney?
Jason: Hippity-hop, Jeff!
Jeff: Today`s drum program brought to you by Ritalin!
Jason: Oh, she`s taking the song somewhere else! Just what we needed!
Jeff: Taking it proper to the box of Sterile and Break It!
Jeff: Ah, the children`s choir is Kelly. Of form it is. I was sort of hoping it`d be Mariah Carey, but this works too.
Jason: She`s retaining some elements, but she`s still trying to have it her own. And none of it is working.
Jeff: The son is out, Jason. About the town. Kelly Rowland has no career.
Jason: "They sing ding dong." Word, Kelly.
Jeff: Specifically, they talk it when they see her. "Yo, ding dong!"
Jason: There`s still, like, a moment left.
Jeff: Oh God. Contain IT KELLY Contain IT STOP IT STOP IT
Jason: It`s like the book is stuck.
Jeff: Every extra round through that chorus is alike a goad in my ear.
Jason: If you need to do this song a dance track, go remix the original. Don`t try and do a new version. It`s unnecessary.
Jeff: Why is this song still going?
Jason: At 3:41, it`s just six seconds shorter than Macca`s version.
Jeff: And yet it feels two minutes longer. Hold on, I`m punching myself in the expression for sending this to you.
Jason: I`m so happy right now. You know why?
Jeff: Because the party`s on and the feeling`s here?
Jason: I`m finally getting you game for "Last Christmas," fuckface.
Jeff: That doesn`t think you get more of these somewhere, does it?
Jason: Hey, you love what would be still worse than this?
Jeff: Um, nothing?
Jason: A four-minute, dramatic indie hipster version.
Jeff: No.
Jason: Oh yes.
Jeff: Stop this.
Jason: Too late. It`s on its way to you, and now you get to listen.
Jeff: groan It`s in my browser. Well, I deserve this. Let`s get down to it.
Jason: Ready?
Jeff: No! Not at all!
Jason: Die again!
Jeff: It starts with silence, which I appreciate. But I don`t mean this was encoded at the proper speed.
Jason: That`s right. It was encoded at "indie hipster." Which is my least favorite speed.
Jeff: Is this Iron & Wine?
Jason: This is Tom MacRae. And no, I bear no idea who that is, except he`s on Nettwerk, who released this compilation.
Jeff: I`ll make you love my wife likes this version. "Poor guy, he`s lonely. He wants to think it`s a wonderful Christmastime! Awww."
Jason: Listen to those dramatic pauses! And the cello!
Jeff: "It`s heartbreaking! His dog just died!"
Jason: I trust your wife asks you to bring it again!
Jeff: I trust your wife kicks you in the jimmy! Okay, the cello is pretty. Oooh, dramatic! I wish this part. Suck on that, Hare!
Jason: I don`t see you.
Jeff: Wait, I hardly looked at how often is left in the song, and now I desire to cry.
Jason: He only took the beginning two lines of one verse, and sang the moment two lines of a different verse, so they didn`t rhyme. "That`s how indie I am!"
Jeff: END SONG END
Jason: "I don`t adjust to RHYMES! I`ll end the call with ten seconds of secrecy to show how often I don`tconform to McCartney`s feelings of a wonderful Christmastime!"
Jeff: THANK YOU FOR ENDING, SONG
Jason: Now, I do, in fact, have other versions of this song. But I`m not an asshole like you, so I`m not going to torment you further.
Jeff: For the 1st sentence all morning, I look like it actually is a wonderful Christmastime.
Jason: Enjoy, everybody! Especially you, Vrabel!
Jeff: Best of circumstances with any it is you do, Kelly Rowland! Cheer up, indie guy!
Jason: Next year, I`m crossing my fingers for a Rowland/MacRae duet.
No comments:
Post a Comment